Before coming on my mission I was always concerned about my age. The age change in missionary service had already happened and a lot of missionaries were going to be at least 3-4 years younger than myself. People assured me that I would be able to contribute so much more because I was older and had experienced a little bit more than others. This brought me some comfort but my insecurities surrounding my age still remained. From the outside being uneducated, unmarried and childless would seem as though I wasn’t really doing anything with my life. It may seem like I wasn’t enough, like I had no prospects in life (especially to myself, because of my own high expectations) but I’ve come to realise that despite being all of these things, who am I and what I am doing is enough.
It has always been a great goal of mine to obtain a university degree, something that I began to pursue as soon as I had finished college (or high school). During my first year of university I discovered that I didn’t want to continue pursuing what I had initially started. I decided to take a break and figure out what it was that I really wanted to do so that I wouldn’t waste my time and money. A year or so later after working, I went back to study, only then to discover that I wanted to serve a full-time mission. Determined to achieve my goal of serving a mission, I put off my pursuit of secular learning and began working full-time. The journey took almost three years and by this time friends from inside and outside of the Church were already finishing degrees and graduating. I knew that I wanted to serve a mission and it was a great goal of mine however I couldn’t help but feel a little unaccomplished, having not yet graduated from university as so many others had. Education and obtaining an education is of the utmost importance both in the Church and in the world. It was hard not to feel as though what I was pursuing, in wanting to serve a full-time mission, wasn’t as good as obtaining a university degree, especially considering my age at the time.
There were some years of my early YSA life where serving a mission wasn’t at the forefront of my mind – dating was. How could it not have been, when marriage, finding the right spouse and building an eternal family were all principles emphasised in some way, shape or form from the pulpit in our weekly Sacrament Meetings? Years passed, my desire to serve a full-time mission came and the prospect of getting married slowly but surely died. During that time I watched many of my close friends and acquaintances begin their eternal marriages with their eternal companions having been sealed in the eternal houses of the Lord. This brought great joy to my soul and also a great hope that one day this would happen for me. Sometimes it was hard not to feel like by the time I completed my service as a missionary, that I would be too old for anyone to marry. These concerns or feelings might seem absurd to the reader for whatever reason but they were real and I’m sure a lot of other women feel the same. On top of that, people would constantly express surprise that I wasn’t dating anyone and that I still had a desire and goal to serve a mission even after working towards it for almost three years.
My married friends started having children – sweet, beautiful little children. And some didn’t. Some just stayed married. My sister was building her family also. Children were everywhere, all around me – at Church, at home. Even here in Kiribati many people have already married, or haven’t married but have children. In the Church, being an earthly mother to Heavenly Father’s spirit children was taught as being a great privilege and the highest honour we, as women, could receive. I know that this is true. From my small experiences here and there with nephews and nieces and children in general, I know that they can bring so much joy into the lives of all they come into contact with. So needless to say not having children made me feel like I was missing out on something in life.
All these kinds of thoughts and reflections were what I had been thinking about leading up to my birthday. However as I began reflecting on my life and my decisions and what I had or perhaps hadn’t yet accomplished, I realised that what I was doing right now was what would prepare me for all of those things – education, marriage and children. It sounds cliche but with all of my heart I know that it is true. Our journeys are all different and Heavenly Father requires of us, different things. He gives us different experiences because we are unique. For me, serving as a full-time missionary at my age now was part of His plan for me. I believe, to prepare me to obtain an education, to be a wife and mother, and most importantly to prepare me to be a fully devoted disciple of His Son, Jesus Christ. I can honestly say that I can contribute so much more now than I could have before, had I come on my mission at a younger age. Sister Lee now – being 24 years old, uneducated, unmarried and childless, was needed, not Sister Lee the university graduate or anyone else. Just me as I am now, because who I am now is enough for the Lord.