The past few weeks have been the absolute worst haha. Since starting my Missionary Recommendation Forms, or “mission papers” as they’re commonly referred to, at the end of last year, things have felt so super smooth and easy. There were many miracles and that whole time I was on cloud nine. But that ended like a month ago when all the little trials and challenges started popping up and I got a little cray slash overwhelmed.
As I mentioned in my last post, among other things I was struggling with my feelings of not wanting to go on a mission. I’ve wanted to serve a mission for so long and have been working towards this for the past three years but all of a sudden I just didn’t want to go! Thankfully for me I received some reassuring words from people who felt the same before they left on their missions. I didn’t feel as bad anymore but the feelings were still there..
On top of that I felt unworthy to serve a mission. I have made so many mistakes in my life and I found myself dwelling on those mistakes. I just didn’t feel like I could ever bear the weight of the calling of a missionary because of all the mistakes I’ve made. Why would Heavenly Father ever want me (with all my past mistakes and inadequacies) representing His Son, Jesus Christ, who is so perfect and so sinless and so kind and loving?
It got to the point last week where I broke down. I went to the bathroom at work and just cried and cried, mentally shaking my fists at Heaven. I’ve been praying for help to overcome these feelings but I felt that my prayers were in vain. Why was I still feeling like this? Why was it all so hard? I cried to Father in Heaven. I knew that these trials and challenges were all part of the process but I didn’t want to drink the bitter cup that was before me.
As I sat in one of the beautifully adorned rooms in the temple last Saturday my soul felt instantly lighter! I felt such an overwhelming feeling of power and peace from Heaven descend upon me. The burdens of past mistakes I had been carrying were now gone and the feelings of doubt and dread I had felt were replaced with excitement and joy!
The temple is such a great place to remember.. remember who we are, remember where we came from and remember where we are going. When we attend the temple we receive power from on high, power from our Father in Heaven, power that is sufficient to combat Satan and his attempts to lull us into darkness.
Satan is ever trying to keep us from reaching our divine potential. He is so cunning and so deceptive and so good at what he does. There is a quote I love which goes: “Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential. Don’t listen to him.” (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf).
I’m grateful to live so near the Hamilton New Zealand Temple. It is indeed a true blessing! I’m also very grateful that Heavenly Father does hear and answer prayers.