Done. Flights are booked and it’s official. I’m leaving May 7th at 9:55pm. This is it. This is yet another confirmation that what I’ve been preparing for these past three years is right and it’s my time. Another tender mercy of the Lord. And yet, why do I suddenly feel like I don’t want to go?
This feeling of complete dread has been haunting me for the past week or so. I’ve wondered why I’ve felt like this. Shouldn’t I feel excited and joyous and be counting down the days with glee? Shouldn’t I be bounding down the chapel corridors every Sunday, pouncing on investigators and attacking current missionaries with copious questions about the mission? Shouldn’t I be feeling the complete opposite of what I feel now?
I’ve started to feel like maybe there’s something wrong with me? What’s going on? The last thing I want to do is enter the MTC (Missionary Training Centre) feeling like I do. And so, I’ve been praying for help to understand what is really going on so that I can address it.
As I was messaging my beautiful and wise sister (which was just today haha) and telling her a little of how I felt I realised what it was! It’s just a case of cold feet! For the past three years all I’ve done is PREPARE for a mission. I’m a really experienced preparing missionary but now that reality has hit and in a few short weeks I’ll actually BE a missionary and on a mission it’s a completely different world. A world that for me has only ever felt like this unobtainable dream. But now, that’s no longer the case.
When I realised this (which happened while I was at work) I went to the bathroom and literally jumped up and down quietly celebrating with the Lord as He had helped me figure out what was going on. I knelt in gratitude, yes in that tiny bathroom, and offered a prayer of thanks. How mindful our Father in Heaven is of all of His children. He is indeed, interested in the details of our lives. What matters to us, matters to Him.
I’m grateful for these experiences as they help me become more aware of the weakness that is being human. I’m not some super strong perfect person that can withstand anything, including a case of cold feet. I’m actually really weak and subject to the desires and the weaknesses of the flesh. And often times when life gets a little bit “adventurous” (aka hard) I struggle just like everyone else. Just because I have my mission call and I leave for my mission in less than a month does not mean that it gets any easier. My desire to serve a mission and to represent Jesus Christ in itself has been a roller-coaster ride but throughout these experiences and this whole journey of mission prep, it’s deepened to the point where this is really, the only thing I truly desire and that’s what keeps me grounded.
My case of cold feet won’t last. And for that I’m grateful. It really starts messing with your head after a while especially when you don’t recognise what it actually is. Cold feet aside, I’m actually so excited to be a missionary! I get to represent Jesus Christ and help people come to know Him and who He is and what great and beautiful miracle (His Atoning Sacrifice) He has done for them.